[... So. Like. What exactly do you say to someone who got themselves killed for you? He feels like he should be apologizing, except he really doesn't know how. And he... doesn't want to anyway, even as he feels like he should. But he doesn't want to encourage Namazuo's foolhardiness either.
Saving someone like him at the cost of his own llife...
That was stupid.
It was all stupid.
He doesn't understand why this has gotten so difficult--why it's so hard to dismiss what happened from his mind.
So ultimately, after agonizing over it for.... longer than he'll ever admit to.
[LEON... is that any way to talk to someone who just got back from being dead? But no, Namazuo understands. Maybe it's because Lili had specifically told him to prioritize himself, or because he knows just how much it would've hurt to watch Leon do the same for him. Whatever it is, he knows what Leon is trying to say.]
[Another time, and the extended silence might've worried him. He might've reached out, called, tried to gently nudge Leon into some kind of understanding and acceptance. But truthfully, he's still exhausted--being dead takes a lot out of you, apparently.
Still, he's contemplating sending another message of his own when the reply finally comes, and he smiles.]
I know. Leon-san is a good person.
[He likes to think he would've been able to tell, if Chal seemed unhappy with Leon as a master. But he hadn't, and with the concern Leon had shown for Stahn, he's fairly confident in his assessment.]
[LEON U OK THERE did you randomly get attacked by bees]
www
[He's learned that this means laughter! And honestly he doesn't really have the energy to go hunting through piles of emoji, so that's the most Leon gets.]
[It's still a failure of his, in his mind. But if Leon got away unscathed, then maybe he doesn't have to be quite so angry with himself about it.
He waits until it's clear Leon's either given up or gone to do something else, because he doesn't want to interrupt. But when no further message comes, he sends another of his own.]
[........... ah. There's a long pause as he considers that. He... thinks Namazuo should probably be sorry, if only to make sure that he doesn't do it again. On the other hand, though, he has no interest in helping Namazuo beat himself up more.
But he's no good at comfort, either...a true quandary.]
I'm not interested in your apologies. See to it that it doesn't happen again.
[... he hesitates, but... that doesn't read quite right, even to him. Even Leon can tell when something is unnecessarily harsh. So after a moment, he adds:]
Do not sacrifice yourself needlessly for other people.
[Especially for someone like Leon, who was already dead.... it seems even more pointless, which is awful.]
[....There's something very uncomfortable about this conversation, and he can't quite pinpoint what it is. It puts him on pins and needles--it makes him want to escape it, somehow.]
Enough. I didn't agree to this and I have no intentions of agreeing to it. I'm not your friend, nor am I the friend of anyone you know.
[Namazuo speak for "sure, you just keep thinking that".
He can let Leon be a tsun all he wants, but there's one point he won't back down on.]
But I will not say it was needless. I don't regret my decision.
[Was it frightening? Has he been sick with shame and fear over making the others deal with loss like that? Does he still, at the end of the day, feel like he failed? ...Yes. And if it meant protecting Leon, he would do it all again.]
The words, though... they're achingly familiar. Hadn't he said the same? Wouldn't he say the same if confronted again? I don't regret my decision. I would do it all again.
It's ridiculous. He's angry about it, and now he understands why Stahn gets so frustrated when he says it, but on the other hand... he understands why Namazuo would say so. It's impossible to try to accept that a choice could've been wrong. It's impossible to want to accept that a choice made to protect someone else was wrong.]
[If Namazuo knew him a little better, he might've known what else to say. Something like, "You are worth saving." But he doesn't know Leon very well at all, and his vague suspicions about this argument aren't enough to put such bold declarations on. No matter how much he believes it, there's no way to know what Leon actually needs to hear.
But he doesn't really want to talk about himself, either. So he shifts the subject back to safer territory.]
[It's a good change of subject; Leon doesn't mind talking about Chal to someone who...treats Chal right. He's slowly getting used to other people being able to hear him, but when it's another sword, he doesn't really feel the need to be jealous. It isn't as though Namazuo could take Chal away from him like the other humans who can hear Chal here (irrational, but nonetheless a fear).]
He's fine.
[There's a pause, before Leon begrudgingly types out:]
He says that he is happy to know that you are all right.
[IT'S NOT FROM LEON IT'S FROM CHAL and it was still a Struggle to type out those words.]
[Good lord, Leon, if you tsun any harder you might actually explode.
But it's true that Leon doesn't have anything to worry about, especially not with him. Namazuo knows just how strong the bond between a sword and his master can be, and he has no reason to want to get between that. He's old, and a brother on top of that--if anything, he'd like them to be closer.
That won't stop them from adopting Chal into swordhaus, of course. It just means that Leon's getting adopted too.]
Good. I'm happy to hear that too.
[He'd worried, of course. He'd only been in the Code for a brief time, but he'd spent most of it wondering if his actions had been any help at all.]
...Please tell him he did well. I think it would mean a lot to him to hear that from you.
[Overstepping his boundaries, maybe, but he just died, so Leon can deal.]
But he's quiet for a moment at that, text, frowning as he looks at it. Chal, naturally, has to ask what it says--and Leon's quiet for a long moment in response to that as well, not responding.
His response, finally, is probably to be expected.]
I did not ask for your opinion, so keep it to yourself.
[He definitely overstepped his boundaries there, but despite the sharpness of the text, Leon's...going to deal with it. At least, it's something that will linger on his mind, even if he doesn't say as much to Chal just yet.]
If you are able to have an opinion like that, clearly you are fine.
[It was definitely pushing his limits, and so is a nice thing like that!!! He's not prepared for nice things like that, so clearly he's... going to go ahead and just backflip his way right out of this conversation.]
Do not thank me for something like this. This conversation is over.
[YOU KNOW... JUST TO BE SURE. In case you were wondering. It's over.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
post-event...... text
Saving someone like him at the cost of his own llife...
That was stupid.
It was all stupid.
He doesn't understand why this has gotten so difficult--why it's so hard to dismiss what happened from his mind.
So ultimately, after agonizing over it for.... longer than he'll ever admit to.
Namazuo gets a single text.]
I did not ask for your help
[nailed it]
leon please
It was my choice.
[It's not your fault.]
Thank you for taking me home.
HE'S DOING FINE
He stares at the text for a long moment.
Leaves the CereVice aside.
Stares at it some more.
And finally types out some sort of a response.]
I do not leave swords lying amongst the trash.
[Even broken ones.
He'd like to say "it wasn't for you", but well... who else would it have been for?]
NO HE'S NOT
Still, he's contemplating sending another message of his own when the reply finally comes, and he smiles.]
I know. Leon-san is a good person.
[He likes to think he would've been able to tell, if Chal seemed unhappy with Leon as a master. But he hadn't, and with the concern Leon had shown for Stahn, he's fairly confident in his assessment.]
Did you find your friend?
WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT
I am notlknafsmd
[Ah............ seems he dropped the CereVice in his haste.]
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Ahem.]
Yes. He is fine now.
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www
[He's learned that this means laughter! And honestly he doesn't really have the energy to go hunting through piles of emoji, so that's the most Leon gets.]
what about you?
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I am also fine.
[Leon is good at conversations like these!!! (No he's not, he's terrible.)
Because he spends the next five minutes trying to ask if Namazuo is fine too.
Leon is typing...........
Leon is typing.....................
No he gave up, Leon isn't typing anymore.]
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[It's still a failure of his, in his mind. But if Leon got away unscathed, then maybe he doesn't have to be quite so angry with himself about it.
He waits until it's clear Leon's either given up or gone to do something else, because he doesn't want to interrupt. But when no further message comes, he sends another of his own.]
I'm sorry.
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But he's no good at comfort, either...a true quandary.]
I'm not interested in your apologies. See to it that it doesn't happen again.
[... he hesitates, but... that doesn't read quite right, even to him. Even Leon can tell when something is unnecessarily harsh. So after a moment, he adds:]
Do not sacrifice yourself needlessly for other people.
[Especially for someone like Leon, who was already dead.... it seems even more pointless, which is awful.]
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But he already has an answer to that, and it comes quickly and easily.]
protecting a friend of my family's is never needless.
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im not
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Don't be ridiculous. I am nothing like that. Nor do I have any interest in it.
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I don't think that's up to you to decide, Leon-san.
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Enough. I didn't agree to this and I have no intentions of agreeing to it. I'm not your friend, nor am I the friend of anyone you know.
Leave it at that.
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[Namazuo speak for "sure, you just keep thinking that".
He can let Leon be a tsun all he wants, but there's one point he won't back down on.]
But I will not say it was needless. I don't regret my decision.
[Was it frightening? Has he been sick with shame and fear over making the others deal with loss like that? Does he still, at the end of the day, feel like he failed? ...Yes. And if it meant protecting Leon, he would do it all again.]
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The words, though... they're achingly familiar. Hadn't he said the same? Wouldn't he say the same if confronted again? I don't regret my decision. I would do it all again.
It's ridiculous. He's angry about it, and now he understands why Stahn gets so frustrated when he says it, but on the other hand... he understands why Namazuo would say so. It's impossible to try to accept that a choice could've been wrong. It's impossible to want to accept that a choice made to protect someone else was wrong.]
You are an idiot.
[... He can't argue against that, really.
He doesn't know how.]
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I'll accept that.
[If Namazuo knew him a little better, he might've known what else to say. Something like, "You are worth saving." But he doesn't know Leon very well at all, and his vague suspicions about this argument aren't enough to put such bold declarations on. No matter how much he believes it, there's no way to know what Leon actually needs to hear.
But he doesn't really want to talk about himself, either. So he shifts the subject back to safer territory.]
How is Chal-kun?
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He's fine.
[There's a pause, before Leon begrudgingly types out:]
He says that he is happy to know that you are all right.
[IT'S NOT FROM LEON IT'S FROM CHAL and it was still a Struggle to type out those words.]
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But it's true that Leon doesn't have anything to worry about, especially not with him. Namazuo knows just how strong the bond between a sword and his master can be, and he has no reason to want to get between that. He's old, and a brother on top of that--if anything, he'd like them to be closer.
That won't stop them from adopting Chal into swordhaus, of course. It just means that Leon's getting adopted too.]
Good. I'm happy to hear that too.
[He'd worried, of course. He'd only been in the Code for a brief time, but he'd spent most of it wondering if his actions had been any help at all.]
...Please tell him he did well. I think it would mean a lot to him to hear that from you.
[Overstepping his boundaries, maybe, but he just died, so Leon can deal.]
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But he's quiet for a moment at that, text, frowning as he looks at it. Chal, naturally, has to ask what it says--and Leon's quiet for a long moment in response to that as well, not responding.
His response, finally, is probably to be expected.]
I did not ask for your opinion, so keep it to yourself.
[He definitely overstepped his boundaries there, but despite the sharpness of the text, Leon's...going to deal with it. At least, it's something that will linger on his mind, even if he doesn't say as much to Chal just yet.]
If you are able to have an opinion like that, clearly you are fine.
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And yes, that's pretty much exactly what he expected. That's why his reply comes relatively quickly.]
It's not an opinion. It's a request.
[Okay, technically it was both, but this conversation is obviously pushing Leon to his limits. So Namazuo will free him, for now.]
Thank you for sending me a message. It was good to hear from you directly.
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Do not thank me for something like this. This conversation is over.
[YOU KNOW... JUST TO BE SURE. In case you were wondering. It's over.]